Mirror Mirror…

Beginning with a simple question. Who are parents? If we go after the basic Wikipedia definition it will go like…

“A parent is a caregiver of the offspring in their own species. In humans, a parent is the caretaker of a child”.

But it’s so much more than that. The parents not just care for the kid but guides them through the stages of life. The confidence and the pride the parents show to their children are the key ingredients to their success. The parents become mirror to the children where the children can see themselves and feel proud or better themselves . The children also acts as mirrors reflecting their parents. How the parents treat the child is obvious in the child themselves. The support, the appreciation, the input a parent provides is reflected in the kids. Like a mirror. It reflects everything.

Just recently I saw a post on Instagram asking people to cheer not only for those who came out of toxic love relationships, but also for those who overcame a toxic parenting. That’s when I first heard about a thing called Toxic Parenting. I looked it up and found such an informative piece. ( God bless the internet ). This is what I found on the website of Healthline. 

When people discuss toxic parents they are typically describing parents who consistently behave in ways that cause guilt, fear, or obligation in their children. Their actions aren’t isolated events, but patterns of behaviour that negatively shape their child’s life.”

Whenever we talk about the things our parents do, there comes an additional clause saying ‘Parents are human being, and as human beings they make mistakes’. That’s where the problem begins. Not when they make a mistake, but when they fail to own it. When the parents make mistakes and hurt our emotions and cause us invisible damages, we expect them to admit their mistake and apologize for it. And if possible rectify it. But they never apologize nor do they admit their mistake. They are entitled by their Parenthood. They put all their wong doings in a big glass jar proudly and label it “For the Greater Good of My Kid”. Here I would like to add a clause and change it like this. “For the Greater Good of My Kid, I will Make Her Incompetent, Under Confident and Emotionally Unstable”

Toxic Parenting is not a scientifically defined term. It’s a feeling. And let’s just put it that way for the time being. Now the real question is how many of us are familiar with this toxic parenting. I believe even though we might not be well informed about, we would be familiar with the feeling. I am 100% sure that not all parents are Toxic. There are millions of examples of good parenting around us. But that doesn’t mean that Toxic Parenting is not a thing. It also doesn’t mean that what many of the kids feel isn’t real. Or that what they went through or are still going through is a result of their overthinking. Because for a long time, I justified my own parents saying it was for my own good. I believed them and I dreamed about myself as a capable and confident adult. I spend my days longing to hear a praise from them complimenting me on who I am. On the achievements I made. The waiting is still continued.

All through my life I was always controlled. Not by me. But by my Toxic Parent (let’s short it as TP). I was always told what to do and what not to do. And I obeyed. Because that’s what a child do to her parents. She obey them. I was told to study. I studied. I was told to read books provided by them. I did. When I became a teenager ‘unfortunately’ I started writing journal. You have no idea how much I enjoyed writing it. It invigorated me. I wrote about everything that came to mind. Years later I learnt I was exercising the theory of stream of consciousness for the first time, that too,without realising it.

Good things don’t last much I guess. TP found out my diaries and God, that was a hell of a day. I was criticized for wasting time on doing silly things and not using that for studying. I tried to stop writing journal but couldn’t since I couldn’t get over the thrill I felt while writing it. So I started using a simple plain notebook instead of a proper journal. I was hoping I could hide it among my notebooks and TP would never find out. I succeeded in it.

Two more years later, I tried writing poems and short stories. I was scared to show it to my parents, so I hid it among my not-so-important file category. First it was two poems, then it became four, eight, and then even more. I was in boarding school for a few years. There I participated in competitions and won prizes. I was happy with it because I knew TP would never know about me participating. I can easily hide certificates because as far as they are certificates TP would never check what was it for.

Then I came back home and went to school as a day scholar. And I stopped participating in competitions just like that. But soon enough TP found my not-so-important file and found the papers. I was shaking with fear. Thankfully TP didn’t shout at me or even beat me. Instead she took the papers, crushed and put it in the dustbin and calmly said with a smile on her face “you shouldn’t be doing this now. This is your age for studying. Focus only on that. This poetry, stories all will make you a silly romantic and you will fall in love with someone. Is that what you want in your life?”  I shook my head and said No. Because obviously that’s the answer TP was looking for.
I stopped hiding them in my files. I always carried them with me. I started writing a teenage novel when I was fifteen, it was definitely a childish one but still I gave my friends to read it. They were so excited about it because that’s the first time one of their friends attempt in writing a novel. They supported me like no other ever did. As soon as I finished writing I shared it with my friends. And as soon as they finished reading, I burnt it into ashes.

Never leave any traces.

Love & Marriage

I was 21 when my mother came to know about my second relationship . As usual she didn’t receive it well and cried for 3-4 days. She didn’t stop until I promised to break up with the guy. I had to lie to her, you know. It hurts.
Not to blame her, the culture of Kerala and India generally is the villain here.

Here in Kerala,  a love relationship before marriage is mostly shameful. You are not allowed to love anyone before marriage. That doesn’t mean people don’t love, it means it is looked down upon. Majority of the parents become hysterical when they hear about their daughter’s relationship. They verbally abuse the daughter and sometimes beat her up too. Most of the parents do emotional blackmailing and threaten to committ suicide. (I am not kidding). Love before and outside wedlock is unacceptable. That’s why people use the word ‘affair’ more while talking about a love relationship. And FYI living together and casual dating is out of question. You date to marry, if you don’t marry the person you are dating you are a bad girl. Obviously this norm isn’t applicable to boys.

When it comes to marriages, parents choose their children’s partners most of the time. Parents dream about their child’s wedding. It includes finding their partners also. Love marriages are whole heartedly welcomed if
1. You are a man
2. the groom you found is higher in social and financial status.
Or if your parents are liberal minded.
My mother couldn’t accept the fact that I found my own life partner. So she didn’t talk to me and when she did it was to cry and talk me out of it.

Then again my parents weren’t that bad. Because they didn’t abuse me nor did they threaten me. My father didn’t bother to comment on it and all my mother did was cry. Which is bearable when compared to many other people’s situation.

The system and procedure of marriage is also interesting here. In Christian families, first the parents  collects all the details from the other family. I mean if Sam is looking for a woman to marry, then Sam’s family will collect all the details about the woman’s side of family. If details  seems just fine, then comes the official customs. The first is ‘pennu kaanal’ which means bride seeing. The prospective groom along with a bunch of relatives comes to meet the girl. The two families get to know each other a bit and the P. G (Prospective Groom) and P. B (Prospective Bride) are allowed to talk to each other for like 10 minutes max, may be? If everything is perfect and no obvious faults are found, soon the P.B’s family visits the house of P.G. If the house is good  enough and his relatives are fine too, then the marriage is fixed. After that an official ceremony is conducted at the church where the engagement takes place.  And then comes the wedding.

After the wedding the bride moves in with her husband to his house. If it is the elder son of the family then he builds a new house and lives there with his wife and kids.
The system of marriage here is actually funny. A few days ago I saw cartoon on Instagram. That sums up a woman’s married life. Let me show you that.

From Official Eyes Wide Shut, Instagram

Nowadays movies are made on the life of married woman in a middle class kerala household. I think that’s a wonderful initiative. With that many people have started to notice things that were otherwise ignored or normalized. The Great Indian Kitchen is ranked number one on the list of such movies. If you want to know more about the movie click here.

Do you know there are thousands of Indian movies on love? Not just love, these movies  are  mostly about the couples who fight the whole world  to defend their love and have a happy life. The movies aren’t lying. A huge number of people have to fight for their love. They have to convince family, relatives and sometimes even distance relatives too.
Heard of Honour killing? It is a fast  growing issue in India. This is an evidence of such struggles. “Honour killing  or shame killing, is the murder of a member of a family, due to the perpetrators’ belief that the victim has brought shame or dishonor upon the family, or has violated the principles of a community or a religion with an honour culture”.(Wikipedia) If or when a person marries someone who isn’t the same caste/class/religion as his/her the relatives kill the both of them in the name of honour. Sometimes a whole village gangs up against the couple and brutally murders them.
This system is mostly seen in uncivilised villages in India. There are movies on the same topic too. There is this one amazing  movie named Zairat in which you  can watch the plight of two young teens who went against the society. Now that I think about it I am so gonna write a blog  on that movie for sure.
What I planned to write about and what I wrote seems so different now. Sorry people.

So my parents didn’t approve my relationship earlier and I had to hide it for like 4 years.  Now my marriage is fixed with the same guy and all the above said customs are awaiting. I am so excited. Hurrey…

Ciao Buddies…

10 Questions with my Boyfriend

I decided to interview my boyfriend/fiancé. When I checked about it on google I found that so many people have already done it and I am not the first one to think about it. Although a bit disappointed about not getting the patent, I was glad that I will have some ideas on what to ask to him. I checked several sights and shortlisted 10 questions to ask him. Before unfolding the interview let me tell you some things. We have known each other for the last 7 years and our love relationship is celebrating it’s fifth anniversary this February.
I have asked him some questions before but not like this. Not this matter of fact serious types. This time I decided to do this in the proper way. And this is how it went.

1. What about me made you fall in love?
A. You are open minded. You always talked a lot. Our conversations and friendship were unique. And I wanted it forever.

2.. What is your favourite thing about me physically and why?
A. Your lips. Your lips have a beautiful shape.

3. What’s the one similarity between us that you absolutely love?
A. Same wavelength, our sense of humour is on the same level and our concept on most if the stuffs are alike.

4.What’s the one difference between us that you absolutely love?
A.You can multitask and I give my full attention to one thing at a time. Also you like to plan things, organise and be prepared while I am more like a lazy ass.

5. If our relationship ended, what’s the one thing about it you’d miss the most?
A. Our talks. We never stick on to some particular topics. We always talk about a lot of things no matter what its relevance is. We have that kind of relationship. It’s really awesome that with one person you can talk about anything and everything without being judged.

6. Favourite thing to do together?
A. Late night talks. It’s fun and it’s sometimes informative also. We should sit and talk a lot at nights.

7. Favourite thing I said to you
A. I love you. ( That’s on me, I shouldn’t have asked that question to such a lazy ass)

8. If you have to choose a movie for us to watch together, which one will you choose?
A. Raja Rani (A Tamil Movie)

9. If you could change one thing about me what would it be?
A. Being negative, approaching things with a prejudice. Being a pessimist in silly matters. Being a push over, sacrificing things so that no one gets hurt. (Looks like he got a long list for that question )

10. How have you grown since being in a relationship with me?
A. I have become a feminist. I started to think from a woman’s perspective. I have become more funny. I have tried to become more organized.

So that’s it. It was really nice to do such an interview with him. He cooperated completely with me. I guess he had no other choice.

Anyway, it was fun for both of us. So next time I am going to interview one of my best friends. Ciao…